HOPES & DREAMS - ANYTHING GOES! (excerpts from my book, The Single Girl's Handbook, 17 things to do while waiting for Mr. Right - the 21st century Bride-to-be Book - release date Sept. 2008)

By Marcy Ann
www.marcyann.com

The Wedding Day
The groom and I stood on the cliffs at Corona Del Mar on a beautiful summer's day, with the cloudless blue sky and the deep blue ocean framing the picture. All the guests were also standing to watch the bride step out of the block-long white limo to begin her walk down the long sidewalk to the edge of the cliff. The groom sighed a big sigh and said, "All of this" - and I knew he meant everything they had done to have their wedding - all the plans for the clothes, the attendants, the site, the limo, the flowers, the reception - everything - "All of this is for her, isn't it?" And I said, "Yes, it is." And in all the cultures of the world, even in cultures where the woman still experiences submission and suppression, it is the Bride's Day. And everything that happens this day, Ms. Bride, should point to, emphasize, validate and glorify you!

I always ask my brides at our first meeting, "What have you always dreamed of doing when you thought about getting married?" Most brides say that they have always seen
themselves walking down the aisle to the one they love. One bride said, "I must have my feet in the ocean." (At her Wedding, I ended up in the ocean, too!). Another bride dreamed of being married on a boat. (We cruised around Newport Bay while we did the ceremony). Another bride said she wanted a big pipe organ to play The Wedding March. (We found a local church that made their facilities available for rent, including the organist who played The Wedding March on the big pipe organ). One of my brides said, "Well, I was raised Catholic in Mexico. I have always dreamed of the moment when the priest would bind us with the ropes." "Bind you with ropes?" I asked incredulously. Apparently, this is an old tradition in Mexico when they are
pronounced husband and wife, the priest puts an elaborate rosary around the shoulders of the man and the woman. "But," she continued, "my boyfriend doesn't want to take a year to become Catholic. So I can't be married in The Catholic Church. I guess I won't be able to do it." I looked at her for a moment and then said, "If you want to be bound with ropes, I will bind you with ropes!" Her face burst into joy. She remembered that her sister still had her marriage rosary. As I spoke the Native American Apache Indian Wedding Blessing for the couple, when I said,"You are two persons, but you now share one Unity of Purpose," I put the beautiful crystal rosary around their shoulders. I bound them with the ropes! I could tell during the ceremony that the bride was w-a-i-t-i-n-g for the moment. She was ecstatic, the groom was "caught" and the congregation, many of whom were unfamiliar with the tradition, loved it.

Another bride, quite a student of mythology, shared with me that in some mythological situations which require total dedication of a man and a woman to one another, the couple are tied together at the wrists, her left wrist to his right wrist, to represent her physical weakness relying upon his great strength as they enter into the agreement. She was a very tiny woman, delicate and fragile, and her fiance was huge and very muscle-bound! She said, "I have always Thought I would like to do this when I got married." We used a soft satin ribbon that was covered in pearls, and I "tied the knot" when I pronounced them husband and wife.

My friend, People Photographer Jane S. Roper and I did a wedding for a couple right at the water's edge of the Pacific Ocean under the cliffs of Dana Point, California. One day while sailing along the coast of California, the couple had spotted this location, and they had purposed in their hearts at that moment That "this is where we are going to be married - if we can find someone who will marry us there." (My ad in the paper at that
time said: "any-time, any-place.") The four of us had to walk nearly 30 minutes along the shore, climbing over rocks, through tide pools, along narrow ledges and under rock arches to get to the spot, and of course had to walk the 30 minutes back to civilization. The bride and groom were appropriately dressed in sturdy tennis shoes, but I was professionally dressed in my white clerical robe and dress shoes. Jane was also dressed professionally. By the time we got back to the Pier where we had
started, I had big blood blisters on the bottoms of my toes and the whole bottom of my feet were black and blue. Jane said, "Marcy, you owe me a new pair of shoes!" But during the ceremony, the ocean waves crashed upon the rocks, spraying us with wisps of salt water, the sea gulls sang, the soft breeze caressed us, and the sun created millions of diamond spotlights on the ocean to herald the occasion. It was absolutely beautiful.

Unless you are being married according to teachings of a certain religious faith or sect, there really are no "rules" about how to get married. I mean, if you want to come to the wedding site galloping on horses, you can! Or if you want to be married up in
the air in a hot-air balloon, or on the ground on a Harley Davidson,
or on the water in a boat, you can!

On Super Bowl Sunday in 1996 I married a couple at the  largest sports bar in Orange County California during the half-time of the Super Bowl Football game. The bar was jammed with Super Bowl fans, not all of whom were invited to the Wedding, but who
took part in the festivities with great enthusiasm and wild, vocal expressions! This Wedding caught the interest of the media, and CBS, NBC and FOX 11 News all came, loaded me up with microphones under my robe, and later that day, they ran the clip
showing the bride and groom at the "goal-post altar" being pronounced husband and wife by me. The bride told me that football had brought them together and football would keep them together!

My oldest daughter was brought to an altar in an outdoor private garden riding in an antique wooden cart painted white and draped with flower garlands, pulled by an adorned pony that her father led down the garden path defined by rose bushes aflame
with roses. The only music was the singing of the birds in the trees. I shall never forget the birds singing as she approached the altar. At one of my weddings, the best man was the groom's sister, appropriately dressed in a tuxedo,  and the maid of honor was the bride's cat, an absolutely gorgeous 20 pound full Persia cat, perfectly groomed and perfumed, with a pretty dress and very much aware of her part in the festivities. The bride's mother met me at the door to inform me that the cat was like her daughter's child and had to be in the ceremony. The bride and groom were entering third marriages together, both now in their late forties. They believed that they had finally found the right person. They wanted the most important "people" in their lives to be in their wedding. For the groom, it was his sister; for the bride, it was her mother and her cat.

Your wedding day is your special moment. It can be just for the two of you, and/or it can include all of your friends and family. It's up to you. One of my grooms was very, very shy. He would not and probably could not be involved in a big celebration that
involved a lot of people making him the center of attention. The bride loved this man intensely. They had been living together for over two years, very happily. She told me he was a wonderful man, very loyal, steadfast, faithful, with a good job and in private,
he was communicative, very loving and kind. But he just could  not go through any type of public ceremony, not even to go to the County Clerk's Office to be married there. So I married them in their home, in front of the fireplace. He had just come home from
work, still dressed in his work clothes, unshaven and with a beer in his hand. During the first part of the ceremony, he was tense and fretful, but the bride relished every word, tiny tears spilling down her cheeks. The groom struggled through the vows and was
embarrassed to even kiss the bride after I pronounced them husband and wife. I carry two cameras with me at all times, a regular one and a Polaroid. I quickly brought out the Polaroid and said, "Let's just take one picture for your scrapbook." The groom
looked trapped but surprisingly agreed. She was delighted. He then briefly shook my hand and fled to the refuge of their private quarters. She apologized, but I told her, "Hey, it's OK! You are now a married woman, Mrs. ___________," and I gave her a big hug. I could feel that there was a part of her that would have loved to have had the big wedding and the love and blessing of her friends and family. However, I also knew that she now had everything she really wanted - living in a lovely home with a man
she loved with all of her heart who loved her who was now her husband. After all, loving and being loved is all there is.

Anything goes, Ms. Bride! You should manifest and demonstrate as much individuality and self-expression as the two of you are comfortable with to show that the uniting of your two souls is something special and different than any other person or
couple in the entire world!

I do a lot of second marriages and we do them at the beach.What I hear so many times from the bride is, "I really wanted to be married at the beach the first time, but my parents wanted a big,traditional wedding where they could invite all of their friends.
Now I am going to have the wedding I really want." I wonder if this bride could have been married at the beach the first time would have made her marriage last? I think we need to fulfill the inner-most desires of our heart in order to have our entire being involved in the process.

So I ask you the same question I ask all of my brides: What have you always dreamed of doing when you got married? No matter what you want to do, don't be afraid to do it at your wedding. Don't worry about what "others" will think. The consideration of the guests is always secondary to YOUR desires, YOUR wishes for YOUR wedding. Right now, make your list of all the things you want and have always dreamed of having at your wedding.

AT MY WEDDING, I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF:
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Now check off each item according to the plans you have for your wedding now. Have you fulfill all of your desires? Look at the ones that are not checked off. Is this important to you? You should not compromise on this list! You want to make sure you have EVERYTHING on your list. Otherwise, you should re-consider your plans for the wedding.

CLOTHING OPTIONS & MUSIC! One of my brides was an expert horsewoman and had won many beautiful and large (over six inches across) sterling silver belt buckles at competitions where she and her quarter-horse performed expertly. The groom was a cowboy, a real cowboy who worked on a big horse ranch in Wyoming. For the wedding, the girl attendants wore white tee shirts and black jeans with black cowboy boots and black belts and the beautiful belt buckles. All of the men also wore black jeans, with white cowboy shirts, and large black cowboy hats, black belts and the beautiful belt buckles. The Groom wore the bride's most special and largest silver belt buckle.She wore an old-fashioned frontier-woman type dress, adorned in
hand-tatted lace, much like what our fore-mothers wore to be married in the 18th Century. Country western music filled the lovely backyard where they were married under an arch covered with roses right in front of the free-form pool made with huge
boulders and a lovely waterfall. This wedding was simple and very inexpensive, but it was a perfect expression of their love and their interests.

At another country-western wedding I did recently, the Groom wore a real gun strapped to his right leg, along with his cowboy boots and big cowboy hat. I said, "John, are you really going to wear that gun to get married?" He said, "Why, Lord, Yes, woman. No self-respecting cowboy would be seen in public without his gun, especially on his wedding day!" The bride walked to the altar to the song, "Do Not Forsake Me, Oh My Darling, On This My Wedding Day." And after I Pronounced them husband
and wife, the D.J. played Gene Autry singing, "I'm Back in The Saddle Again!"

At most of my beach weddings, the couple and usually the Guests and myself, are bare-foot. Recently, just at the point where I was asking the bride if she had a ring for the groom, she suddenly jumped back and gave out a cry. Before I could determine what the problem was, I heard the wave crash and it swooshed in and  caught us all! The groom was looking at the bride, but she was looking at me and saw the wave coming! Many couples choose a Hawaian theme at the beach, and the men wear Hawaian shirts and leis. "Aisles" are created in the sand using shells, starfish
and/or tiki torches or shoots of bamboo draped with wedding net and flowers.

My son and his wife, Cindy, used a black and white color scheme to show their mutual love of auto racing and the traditional checkered flag to herald the winner! The wedding cake was black and white. All attendants were in black, even the girls, which at
first seemed to me to be too much of a departure from tradition; however, I must confess that it is extremely dramatic. Since then,I have done many weddings with all attendants in black and the bride only in white. At The reception afterwards, my daughter-in-law's sister spoke. She Said, "I met Dave first, so there was initially the prospect of Me being in white today, and Cindy being in black!"

Music is an extremely important part of a wedding ceremony, unless you are being married at the ocean, for the ocean is a symphony of sound and no other music is necessary. I have had grooms sing to brides and brides sing to grooms. One groom sang "At Last, My Lonely Days are Gone" while accompanied on the guitar by his four-year college room-mate. One bride came down the aisle alone with a sax player right behind her playing "When A Man Loves A Woman." Another couple walked in together while a fully-skirted musician played the bagpipes! I've had Polynesian bands, harp, steel bands, guitar, electric piano, ukeles, just about everything! Special clothing, color schemes and music are ways to express yourself and your special Wedding Day. Let your heart pick them.

THE PLACE OF THE WEDDING CEREMONY  I think that some people think that if they are not married in a church, somehow it is not "official." Others have very specific
religious beliefs and feel that they should be married in a church to honor God. The Wedding is another part of their overall religious experience. The spiritual definition of "church" is anyplace two or more people are gathered together in love! So with this definition in mind, you can be married anyplace and be married in "church."

I personally have only performed one wedding in a church.An Asian Community Church in Orange County California rents out their newly-refurbished sanctuary for weddings to help pay for the costs of redecorating. One of my couples chose this setting for
their wedding. But most of my weddings are at the beach, or up on a cliff over-looking the ocean, or at city, county or state parks,on a lake, near a waterfall, in a forest, at hotels or restaurants, at museums or on a boat, at country clubs or private gardens, and many, many times, in beautiful backyard gardens, or by the pool or a fountain, or inside the home, standing in front of the fireplace or mirror.

One of my brides had always seen herself being married in an isolated meadow in the Cleveland National Forest standing on a small bridge that spanned a lovely bubbly stream. The site was reached by a 30 minute walk through the forest which the guests,
and the clergy, of course, gladly hiked. Her choice of location eliminated some guests from being able to attend the ceremony,but it was so important to the bride to be married there, it didn't matter. The elderly members of the family joined the group later
on at the reception.

One of my couples chose the park where they had enjoyed many hours of bicycling and hiking. Another couple chose the Campsite where they had been taking their camper for years on vacation. Another couple were married at the marina where the
groom use to have his boat which he had lived on and had loudly proclaimed to all who would hear that he was blissfully happy and would NEVER marry! All those who had heard his proclamations were at the wedding!

Most hotels have beautiful places for weddings with grand ballrooms for receptions. All country clubs have facilities for weddings and receptions. Most states allow weddings in the city,county and state parks. You usually have to get permission to use these places, and they usually have covered facilities in areas where a sudden rain shower can come up without notice. Irecently did a wedding at the Long Beach Aquarium. We stood in front of the largest fish tank in the museum, and after the ceremony, the wedding guests were allowed to visit all of themarine displays while the Bride and Groom took their formal pictures.

The power of the ceremony will be in the words that you say to one another from your heart. The place should have a very special purpose and significant meaning for you. It should be a place where you can return to from time to time, to again feel the
original vibration of your love and adoration, to renew your vows and promises to each other and perhaps make new ones. I always give my couples a copy of their wedding ceremony, and I encourage them to return to the place where they were married
often and say the words of their marriage ceremony again to one another. The place will amplify and expand the beauty, the emotion, the heights, the depths, the lengths and the breadths of the love that brings you to your special marriage altar, wherever it is.

INCLUDING CHILDREN/GUESTS IN THE WEDDING CEREMONY
AND SOME PROCESSIONAL SUGGESTIONS

My most beautiful bride both in physical beauty and who also wore the most beautiful white wedding dress adorned ala Queen Victoria, with a long train and a full-floor-length headpiece, had their eighteen-month old son dedicated right after I
pronounced them husband and wife. The bride and groom were already the mother and the father of the baby. Now they were husband and wife. They had taken almost two years to decide if they wanted to be married. They did not want to marry just
because they had a child together. Now they knew that they wanted to be together because they loved one another. This child was a first grandchild on both sides of the family. These grandparents, the mother and father of the bride and the mother
and the father of the groom, provided the two young people a supportive environment, emotionally and financially, to give the kids a chance to fall in love. Now they knew that they wanted to be together because they loved each other. She said she felt like
she was a part of him. He said he couldn't imagine being with anyone else. The baby was a result of the strong physical chemistry that had been there from the beginning. The bride was on the pill, but the pregnancy HAPPENED ANYWAY. Now the baby was to be a part of a family - created by two people who not only loved him, but loved one another. It seemed appropriate to do the dedication while they were celebrating their decision to spend the rest of their lives together. She held the child in her arms in her
beautiful wedding gown and then he held the baby wearing his full formal tuxedo. Everyone cried, especially the maternal and paternal grandparents. And certainly this is a wedding everyone who attended will always remember.

Some couples who have had a child together prior to the marriage may not want the child in the ceremony. They feel that the wedding ceremony is just for them. That is up to the individual couple, and I always let them decide just how and if they want to
include any offspring. Many couples who have children from former marriages
want to include the children in their marriage ceremony. Some brides walk down the aisle with their children. One bride had each of her sons, ages 11, 12, 14 and 17 years, lined up along the aisle way. As she walked down the aisle, she had each one join
her, so by the time she reached the altar, she was accompanied by all four sons. Her daughter was her maid of honor. Another bride walked down the aisle with her two daughters, one nine and one seven on either side. We included the girls in the ceremony by asking the groom if he was willing to assume the position of father
figure to the girls and provide an environment for them where they could grow and mature into happy adults. Then I asked each girl if she was willing to allow the groom to be their father figure and accept his thoughts and guidance for her life as long as she lives in the household. At the rehearsal, the one girl said, "Yes," very  loudly. The other girl just nodded her head. The mother explained that she just wanted to nod her head. And during the actual ceremony, the youngest gave her resounding "YES" and the oldergirl shyly nodded her head. The guests enjoyed this part of the wedding very much.

A boy child can accompany the groom and carry the ring. One such young son was completely satisfied being responsible for the ring and standing with his dad to wait for his new "mother" to come down the aisle. We did not include him in the words of the
ceremony, but he waited intensely for the time when he was to produce the ring for his dad to put on the new wife's finger, and he felt very important.One of my brides wanted her seven-year-old son to also receive a ring. After the bride and groom exchanged rings, I asked the groom: "Do you desire to create an environment of love and
support where (son's name) can grow and nature into a happy adult?" Then I said, "Bride and Groom, do you have a ring for son's name)?" The vow as they gave the ring to him was: "We give you this ring, as a sign of our love. Please wear it as a sign to
the world that you are a very important part of our family." The groom then spontaneously said to the little boy, "Give me five!" They hit their hands together, and then they embraced passionately. There was not a dry eye in the place! What made
this ceremony so touching was that the "son" of the groom, a young man not his own flesh and blood but whom his former wife and he had raised, stood up with him as His Best Man. At the reception, the Best Man said in his toast how wonderful the groom
had been to him as a father figure, and he knew that the bride's son was truly in good hands. All the rest of the afternoon, the little boy went around the whole room showing everyone his ring. He was so proud of it, and it made him feel included and very special to the both of them, which of course he was.

When there are children of former marriages, especially  younger children, you must always remember that they think they are getting married, too. One dramatic example of this was when I arrived at the lovely home of the groom where we were going to
have the ceremony. The bride's daughter met me at the door with a friend of hers. She announced to her friend, "Oh, here is the Minister who is going to marry us today!" Then she laughed and said, "Oh, I mean, marry my mom today!" But, her first thought
was that she was getting married too!

When it is a first marriage, and there are no children, many couples wish to have little children in their wedding - to be the ring bearer or the flower girl. If the children are under 3 years old,I always suggest that there be little chairs for them to sit in at the
altar. These little chairs can be decorated and made to enhance the wedding "altar." It is important to have a rehearsal, also. My experience is that if the children rehearse their part, and they have a specific place to be at the altar, they will do very well.
However, the parents of any small children who are in the wedding must be responsible for the child at all times, and if they will not walk down the aisle or if they begin to cry or act out, the parents should go and get the child. The Wedding Day is really for you, Ms. Bride. I always tell my brides that there should be NOTHING planned in the wedding that could possibly take away from Your Wedding Day! If there is any possibility that a little child will cause a commotion, do not have them in the wedding. And always have someone who is in charge of the child, who can come and take them away if they begin to cry or cause a distraction. There is nothing sweeter than a little girl dressed in her adorable little wedding outfit coming down the aisle just before the bride, strewing rose petals. But there is nothing worse than just at the point where I am going to pray, or pronounce the couple husband and wife to have a small child say, loudly, "I have to go peepee."

The Congregational Blessing is a lovely way to include the guests in the Wedding Ceremony. After the bride and groom say their vows and give and exchange rings, I ask the guests that if they wish to add their blessing to the marriage, to please respond
by saying "I do." The guests then say "I do" in unison. Usually the guests are behind the bride and groom, and the couple hear this grand sound coming to them from the guests. It gives the couple a great feeling. And incidentally, I have my brides and grooms face each other during the ceremony. This way the guests can see their
faces, the smiles, the tears, the love between them. Another way to include the guests is to have a place in the ceremony where the married guests can re-say their vows to one another. And still another way to include the guests is to have a small printed program, giving the full details of the wedding, including the ceremony. This way, the guests, who sometimes do not always hear every word that is said, can follow along in the program, and they can know when they have a part in the ceremony, as well. The program can identify the clergy, the Wedding Party, the order of the ceremony, and give instructions for after the ceremony.

I recently did a wedding for an active-duty Marine who asked his friends, who are members of the Marine Honor Guard, to participate And form the arch of swords for the wedding party to walk through both to and away from the altar. The men also
escorted in the bridesmaids, and I was impressed with the dignity and the honor each Marine, in his Full dress Blues, gave to each girl. Since this wedding, I discuss with my brides if they wish to have the bridesmaids walk in alone, Or if they wish to have them
escorted by the groomsmen. In a Wedding party that is bigger than just four - the bride and groom, Best man and maid/matron of honor - and I have had as many as nine bridesmaids and nine groomsmen! - it is quite lovely for The bridesmaids to be escorted. And now I see to it that the groomsman gives his full attention to the girl, escorting her Fully to her place before releasing her. Then I have the groomsman walk over to the groom, shake his hand and then take his place at the front. In some cases, especially when bridesmaids are representative of the groom's family, I have the
bridesmaid kiss the groom on the cheek, then have the groomsman escort her to her position and then have the groomsman shake the groom's hand and then take his place.

All of the wedding attendants should stand facing towards  the aisle where the bride will walk in. I always have everyone stand for the entrance of the bride.

If you have a ring bearer who is under seven years old, I don't recommend that you have him have the real rings. Also I've experienced some awkward moments when the groom can't get the ring off the pillow!

Sometimes, a dear parent or grandparent passes on before A couple can be married. I talk with these couples, and usually they say something like, "I only wish my mother could be at my wedding" or "my grandmother and I have talked about my wedding since I was a little girl. I wish she could be there when I am married." So I have a moment in the ceremony to remember this dear one and acknowledge their presence at the ceremony "in spirit." One bride had been so close to her dad all of her life, and he passed away about three months before her wedding day. She bravely walked to the altar alone, and as I welcomed the  guests and thanked them all for coming, I said, "And we remember Amanda's Dad, Mr. _________, whom we know is with us
Today, In spirit. Another bride and groom wanted to do The Unity Candle.I had told them about the way my son and his wife did theirs. My son's father and I went forward and lit a candle and gave it to David. Cindy's parents went forward and lit a candle and gave it to her. The two of them then lighted The United Candle. However, the bride's mother had passed away several years before. But the bride had four sisters. I called the groom's parents forward to light his candle. They lit the candle and gave it to the
groom, and then they stood behind him. Then I said to the guests, "I would like to invite Celia's father to come forward now, and in memory of Celia's mother, her four sisters will now light her candle." The sisters began to walk up to the altar from different
places among the guests. An awesome hush descended upon the guests. Celia's oldest sister lit the candle, saying, "This is for you, Mom." She passed it to the second sister who said, "This is for you, Mom." The third sister took the candle, tears running down her cheeks and said, "I love you, Mom. This is for you." And  finally, the baby sister, took the candle. She hugged the other sisters, and then said, "We love you, Mom. This is for you." She then hugged Celia and gave the candle to Celia's dad who then gave it to her. Then the bride and groom lit The Unity Candle ehile I gave the Native American Indian Wedding Blessing.Remembering loved ones who have already passed away from our presence can be done tastefully, lovingly and help to
create a new memory that is comforting and everlasting.

Another way to set a new tradition is in the seating of important guests. Normally, the mother of the groom is seated and then the mother of the bride is seated. These
special seatings are usually the signal that the wedding is about to start. More recently, I have been having the Groom seat his mother, if I can't get him to have his mother and father walk him in. And I also have grandmothers and great grandmothers seated. And sisters and special aunts - anyone who has been a significant influence in the life of either the bride Or groom.

Any way that you can think of to make your wedding ceremony a tribute to love and being loved is acceptable and desirable!


THE WEDDING CEREMONY

Let's now, let us talk about your Ceremony. I feel that  couples should give as much time and special attention to the ceremony as they do to all the other details of the wedding. Some times, couples spend up to a year planning a wedding, and do not
discuss the Wedding Ceremony at all! However, the wedding really is the ceremony. It only takes about 15-20 minutes, but it is the ceremony that actually causes you to be married - the vows and promises that you say to one another in the presence of
witnesses, which is then authenticated by your officiant by filing the Marriage License with the County Clerk of the County in which you are married. You could file the Marriage License and not have a ceremony, and you won't be married. You can have a
ceremony and not file the Marriage License, and you won't be married. It takes the two functions: the promises and vows and the filing of the License that actually make you married. So I believe that the promises and vows that you make to one another
are the single most important part of everything that you do.

I write a personal wedding ceremony for each of my couples. Many pastors or other officials who marry people have a standard ceremony they use. These are found in books that contain ceremonies for The Wedding, The Funeral, The Baptism, and other
rites of passage. Most of these ceremonies reflect traditions and rituals from the past when woman was more of a piece of property under a man's authority with no voice or vote or rights of her own. While most women do not promise to love, honor and "obey" their husbands today, these traditional ceremonies still pronounce the couple MAN and wife, brides still wear veils, and the official still asks, "Who gives this woman to be married to this man."

I encourage all of my brides and grooms to eliminate any phraseology or traditional wording that supports male domination and female submission. I do not have fathers "give" the bride to the man. I ask fathers, "Do you stand with your daughter today and support her in her decision to be married to groom?" I have completely changed the ring ceremony, and after I pronounce my couples husband and wife, I say, "You may now share your first kiss as husband and wife." I don't know why the woman has always still been called the"bride" this point! The woman is now the man's wife, and the kiss is your First kiss as husband and wife. It really is the purpose for the Kiss!

A little story at the beginning of the ceremony as to how you  met and fell in love is always enjoyed by the guests. You can share some of the parts of your love story that are Unique and personal. Loving and being loved is all there is, and your love is
what has brought you to the marriage altar. At one of my weddings, I said, "Bruce was busy planning the opening of another Ralph's Grocery Store, and here comes Kathy selling her farm fresh chickens. Many telephone calls later, Ralph's Grocery
carried Kathy's full line of chickens, and Bruce had made a date to take Kathy out for a steak dinner!"

The vows you say to one another are what really becomes your "marriage contract." The Vow is the pledge from your heart of your deep love and affection. The Vow also implies the promise of fidelity, honesty and constancy. A promise gives the
one to whom the promise is made great hope and expectation for the performance of the promise. You must totally trust the one who is making you the promise, or otherwise the promise isn't worth anything.

When it comes to speaking your vows and promises to one another, please remember that you are going to be nervous! This is NORMAL! You are changing your status and your life dramatically. The moment is tremendous and tumultuous, inside and out.
The "coolist" groom I ever saw was an active-duty Marine sporting the identifying haircut and the big shoulders, arms and chest that one normally thinks of with a strong, macho, marine type. At the last moment, just as the bride appeared in the
doorway on the arm of her father, he said, "Oh my God, my knees  are starting to shake." I said, "Hang in there, Marine! You are going to be all right. Don't fall down on me now!" He was able to stay standing, but he was so nervous as he spoke his vows, I was afraid I was going to have to say them for him! He could barely get them out!
Another bride had been through two years of wondering if she was EVER going to be married to the man she loved. Already they had a child together. But they met while he was still married to another, and the other woman fought the divorce with all of her
might and money. In the meanwhile, the couple were living together and raising their little girl. When it came time for her to repeat after me that she was taking the groom to be her husband, she completely lost her breath and couldn't utter any words at all.
Only deep, heart-rending sobs came out. To me, I felt she was finally releasing all of the pent-up emotions that had built up during the long two years she had waited for this moment. Istepped out of my position and took her in my arms and held her until she composed herself and was able to continue the ceremony. At the moment Ipronounced them husband and wife, the look on her face was finally radiant. If, when it is time to say your vows, you find that you are"breathless" - just take a moment, compose yourself and just breathe deeply. The words will then be able to come out!!!! Many couples I work with want to write their own vows and promises. Even on the soap operas today, the couples are writing and speaking their own vows to one another. These trained actors are able to memorize and speak their vows without notes. But I never let my couples try to speak their vows to one another from memory. The only time I relented, and against my better judgment let the couple do it, the bride had written hers on the inside of her palm, for reminder's sake, just in case she forgot. But the groom was not so well prepared. When it was time for him to speak his vows, he went blank, burst into tears, and all he could say was, Ilove you, I love you, I love you. The bride was openly aggravated and couldn't wait to berate him for his failure the minute we started the processional down the stairs of the huge boat we used for the ceremony to go to the dining room. I was right behind them, and I felt so sorry for them both. What a way to start a marriage.

If you are going to speak your vows to one another rather than be led by the officiant to repeat them, I recommend that you have your vows written on a 3 x 5 card. The Best Man can havethe groom's card and the Maid/Matron of Honor can have the bride's. Sometimes, I have the bride's copy of her vows and I give it to her when it is time. Then, you read your vows from the card as you face one another. It is my experience that the guests are just as touched by the words, even though you read them.

I usually lead my couples in saying the words when  they take each other to be husband and wife. I do not use "lawfully wedded" husband or "lawfully wedded" wife. I am
indebted to a recent bride who is a litigator for a large law firm in San Francisco. Her husband also is an attorney whose law firm was defending the MicroSoft law suit for Bill Gates. These two went over my marriage ceremony like it was a brief to be
submitted to the Supreme Court! These two probably realized more than any other couple I have ever married the importance of the Ceremony as representing an "Agreement and Contract" of great significance! Nhien added a line to my vows
that I now use at all of my weddings because it is so beautiful. After I ask the questions, I now say to the bride and groom, "Repeat after me: I Bride/Groom take you Groom/Bride to be my husband/wife - to share all that I am and all that I have for all time
to come." Isn't that just beautiful! I told Nhien that I would be putting it in this book, and she was thrilled that she would be contributing to so many other couple's happiness.

I have worked with some couples who go through three, four or five drafts of their wedding ceremony before we get it exactly the way they want it. And I am thrilled when couples want to put this much energy into their ceremony, the words they are going to
say to one another which represent their love, their devotion, their responsibility to one another, their caring, their philosophy of life, their hopes and their dreams for one another. It shows me that there is a consecration, a dedication to one another that will give the marriage I am performing such tremendous power for success.My ceremony is suitable for most any religious or non-religious wedding, and can be used by any pastor, priest, judge,Justice of the Peace or non-denominational clergy.

ANNOUNCEMENTS
Many brides and grooms take most of their formal pictures  before the ceremony, and then take formal family pictures afterwards. Whether you take your pictures before or after, you should always have an announcement to your guests right after the completion of the ceremony so the guests know where they are suppose to go and what they are suppose to do next.  I have watched too many guests be confused after the ceremony. They need to know whether they should pay for  their drinks or not. Sometimes, they are left to themselves for way too long before the bride and groom join them for the reception. Your wedding day plans should include some type of drinks and/or snacks for the guests to be able to socialize together until you join them at the reception. And have your officiant or your D.J. give the announcement to the guests right after you and your wedding  party recess out of the ceremony area. It is also very nice to have selected ushers come and escort out the family of the bride and groom who will also be needed at that time for the formal pictures. Then the announcement can be made to the guests regarding the
next part of the festivities.

EPILOGUE - RELIGIOUS & SPIRITUAL THINGS

Most of the couples who call me have seen my web pages on the Internet (www.marcyann.com, www.californiaweddingministers-officiants.com, www.allcaliforniabeachweddings.com ) Many of the couples I marry have no particular or specific religious practices, although most have some religious experience in their backgrounds. Many couples are of mixed religious faiths -Jewish and Catholic, or Catholic and Protestant, or Hindu and Christian, or Buddha and Methodist. I do many civil ceremonies for Hindu's and Buddhists after they have their traditional religious ceremony.

I say in my ceremony that the marriage is the public and legal union of two souls who are already joined together and united as ONE in the heart of each person. I do not believe that we, as ministers, who have credentials to perform marriage ceremonies, get any "authority" to do it from God. My power to unite people in marriage is from the State of California. And the power of any minister is actually from the State where the marriage ceremony is being performed. The Marriage Ceremony makes the
couples legally married. Many ministers say, "by the power I have from God" or they say "we are in the presence of God" or "in the eyes of God" I pronounce you husband and wife. I believe that the "eyes of God" are the eyes of the guests - the friends and family of the bride and groom - who come to the wedding. I believe these same guests - the friends and family of the bride and groom - also produce the "presence of God" for the ceremony. Each and every person contains the Spirit of God, the presence of God within their mortal body. So their physical presence produces the presence and the eyes of God.

I had a special moment with a father recently in the kitchen of their home before we did the beautiful ceremony in the back yard around the pool. He was polite to me, but I could tell he had resistance to what was going on that day. He said that the family was Catholic, and he had been trying to get his daughter's first marriage, which had been quite abusive, annulled by the Catholic Church so this marriage could be by a Priest in the Catholic Church. The bride was legally divorced from her first husband and was now pregnant by her current boyfriend, so he could no longer wait for the processes of The Catholic Church to be finished. Hence the reason for the wedding that day. I took the father's hands in mine and said, "My friend, today we are providing a legal environment so that your grandchild can be born of parents who are living together in marriage. You can always have your religious ceremony later on when the final annulment is given by the Catholic Church." His face brightened. He had not thought of the difference between legalities and religious Sacraments.

Men and women have been being "married" for thousands of years without any sanctions from religious organizations. In primitive cultures, the man took the woman into his abode in the presence of witnesses, and they were considered "married." "Married" meant that the woman belonged to that man, and no other man would be intimate with her. She would bear that man's children. Today, men and women speak their intentions towards each other in the presence of witnesses, and they then
live together in one abode and many times produce children together. So things haven't really changed in the true and original purposes of the creation. When Religions began to be cultivated and organized around certain Spiritual Truths, then man began making rules and regulations which pertained only to that specific religious organization. Members of that specific religion are then expected to conform to the overall beliefs concerning marriage. The Buddhists and Hindu's have their religious
ceremonies, and then they have their civil ceremonies. The religious ceremony satisfies the dictates of that specific religious faith, and the civil ceremony makes the marriage legal for purposes of begatting children and owning property together. I say, have two ceremonies, or sometimes, both can be done in one ceremony. Even if a couple doesn't have a "religious" ceremony, I believe any Wedding Ceremony is a holy moment, a Spiritual experience for the two people. My ceremonies are not religious but they are very spiritual, very personal, very intimate and glorifying to the man and the woman.

People ask me all the time if my couples stay married! Of course, I have no idea! My personal feeling is that all relationships have purpose. Every single couple I have married believed at that moment that they had finally found The One! Not all marriages last, it is true. But, all marriages have some purpose. I got an e-mail that said: Is your relationship for a season, a reason or a lifetime? Some legal unions are to begat a certain child or children who desire the specific genetic codings that those two people provide, and then the purpose for the marriage is over. Some unions are times to grow and mature, to help us find the Truth about ourselves and Know our true Purpose. Only a marriage of the hearts will last and be for a lifetime together - when a man and a woman have found the RIGHT ONE:  the other half of themselves. In fact, it will be an eternal union with one person from then on -forever. This is a union of TWIN FLAMES, who have come into physical embodiment from a single ray of light, manifesting as male and female. Other unions can be with soul-mates. You can have more than one soul-mate. These unions can be for a lifetime but usually last only for several years. They are right and true and have real purpose and meaning. If a union with a soul-mate produces a child, the man and woman must be very dedicated to be the best mother and father that they can be, even if they do not stay married to the other person.  The eternal, forever unions, however, are with the sure and pure complement and completion of our Higher Holy Self with the other part of our personal self. Only a person who has entered into the fullness of their own personal higher holy self can attract their pure complement, as we attract to us people who are at the level of development as we are. I suggest you get my book, "The Single Girl's Handbook, 17 things to do while you are waiting for Mr. Right - The 21st century Bride-to-be-Book (Rightforme.com - release date is Sept. lst - web page should be up and operating by August 2008)   to check and see where you are in your development as a person, and then you would know if the person you are thinking about getting married to is the "right" person for you. Twin Flame unions are of the greatest love and bring wondrous benefits to the planet Earth. These unions are the most prosperous, the most fulfilling, the best examples of married love and are the most desirable. They are worth waiting for! It is time in the evolution of Planet Earth for Only Twin Flames to be together to produce the energy, The enlightenment and the children who are to take us into new frontiers of spirituality and progress.


Let It Be So! And So It Is.
AMEN & NAMESTE.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 Marcy Ann